INTRODUCTION
Dating after 40 and anger management
The anger management and starting dating again the know, I don’t know and I won’t tell types is an article dedicated to my single friends, my single clients who have been asking me to write this article and to all singles out there who are struggling to make a sense out of what is going through their dates’ minds and some of whom might end up feeling angry. In terms of the anger management, I hope that you will find the article useful in that that it will shed a light on my hypothetical singles types I have met on the dating scene myself and that it will then help you filter out the types you should stay away from and never date and I will explain why. Getting the general overview of the dating categories, will help you maintain a positive outlook on life and relationships, it should prevent you from developing a gradual disillusionment and chronic bitterness and anger management issues, you should feel empowered as opposed to uncertain and it will help you utilise your precious time more constructively. I will provide in this article also strategies that you can try to put into a test and that have been working for me to filter out a bit faster ‘I don’t know’ and ‘I won’t tell’ types, which I will explain are not the relationship material types. All views in this article are mine and my assumptions, they are not scientifically tested but researchers are welcome to research my hypothesis and reference my ideas accordingly!
STARTING DATING AGAIN IN YOUR 30s, 40s, 50s SOMETHING
The weekend is here and the majority singles of us will be getting ready for our weekend date. Whilst for some of us this can be another exciting opportunity to meet our potential goal whatever that might be, there are some people that may feel nervous at the prospects of dating again and others might even later end up in need of an anger management after a few dates from hell or a string of too many unsuccessful dates or failed relationships.
I found myself searching for the same answers in my late 30s after my ex-partner of ten years left me whilst I was going through a fraud towards the end of my doctorate course. I swore to myself to remain positive and avoid generalising my ex-partner’s betrayal to all population of males. At that time I thought that getting over him would have been one of the most impossible tasks to overcome. Little did I know that that it would have been just a tip of the iceberg for becoming single in your late 30s as there was yet another humongous hurdle to overcome. Getting familiar with and going unwittingly on dates with angry, damaged, highly stressed divorcees with significant anger management issues, dates that lied and were only just separated or men who tried to groom me with the intention to cheat on their wives was the next project I had to overcome and resolve. Although I empathise with people feeling angry about being let down and going through expensive divorce which is unfair, taking this out on innocent dates is a symptom of you not thinking clearly or being ready to date. You might scare your dates off and should try to seriously consider anger management sessions to process the ending of your past relationship properly, so you can look at your next date from a fresh point of you and in a similar way you approached your personal life before you were betrayed.
Starting again after a long-term failed relationship in your 30s, 40s and 50s
Being thrown at the deep end of the dating scene in my late 30s and without any guidance from my settled in stale marriage mother, happily or unhappily married friends, or friends whose relationships were failing, I failed a few times but quickly learnt how to swim in the shark infested waters and my dating skills quickly improved. I also discovered that there is a dating life in your late 30s and I met some decent and wonderful men. I also discovered on this journey that not all but unnecessarily too many of my dates were in need of anger management because they were angry and showed hatred when referring and insulting their past dates calling them as ‘fracking psychos’, ‘nutter’ etc. Welcome to the real world of people in their 40s in which it seems increasingly harder and harder to meet lively positive dates or people but they do exist, I met some of them. I don’t recall my 20s being like this or hearing men being so angry. The world was our oyster then and is, but the ignorance was bliss. That said, as a in my late 30s single woman, I met divorcees who were overall polite and shown to have come to terms with their failed marriages or past long-term relationships as my lovely friend George. One date that made me seriously reconsider my dating strategies, was a hot French date who spent the whole date cursing at his wife he was divorcing calling her ‘fracking b’, and ‘fracking psycho’ as he explained the process of the divorce and the settlement to me. It had spoilt my date and he was obviously in the serious need of anticipatory divorce anger management sessions and counselling and support. This date had not worked out for obvious reasons. All I wanted to do was to have a fun and fall in love. I was not prepared to be his psychologist but he motivated me to create my dating tools to which I strictly continue adhering to and I now enjoy my drama free life and my dates are amazing. My dates and I are having amazing time till the end of the closing time in the local bars and until they ask if they could sleep with me. Going back to revision of my dating skills, I decided to speak to men on the phone before the actual date to check how they sound. I expect them to sound balanced rather than angry or insulting me because of their acrimonious divorce proceedings or unprocessed hatred and resentment towards their ex-wives or ex-partners who destroyed them financially and emotionally. I also decided to date only singles or divorced men who sounded adjusted. I never touch dates who have just separated or are separated and have not filed for a divorce yet or have no solid dating history to show. Later, I further categorised and named my dates in the following broad three dating categories that help me to stay focused: I know, I don’t and I won’t tell. I will explain in the next sections what the three categories mean to me and trust me, my girlfriends will prove that I never moan about my dates that are going well and until I meet the one.
THE I KNOW TYPE
Anger management issues and dating again
The I know type, is the resolute, confident date and the only type of man that I will consider dating and that is why I am still single (smiling). The I know type date is the date who knows exactly what she/he wants and who will not leave you feeling in the need of emergency anger management session with your therapist. They will tell you either that they want commitment, commitment without children, with children, with marriage or without marriage. The know types will also confidently tell you that they just might want sex. They are open and honest. These types appear to have a good level of self-awareness, respect for themselves and others. They respect your life and your right to choose and they don’t mess you around. They are not afraid to confidently state that they want a commitment with a marriage on a first date and usually do not appear desperate because they know that stating simply want they want does not mean that this would lead to you walking up the aisle and to the altar. They know it takes a time to get to know each other and that during this process people might discover that they are not suitable for each other. But what sets them apart from the other two categories is the consideration for your life and their life, they have respect for you and themselves. They are balanced and they do not have the need to go on and hurting innocent people because they don’t have any anger management issues, significant insecurities, they seem settled in their careers and lives and at peace and ease with themselves. One simple way to find if your date is ready for a commitment is to simply ask them a question: ‘What are you looking for on this dating application or site, what are you looking for on Tinder or Bumble?’ If they respond with a confidence and without any hesitation: ‘A relationship if it works out or relationship, love and marriage’, rest assured that you are dealing with the ‘I know’ type. They are out there, they exist, I met them and so don’t get discouraged by players and by the ambivalent types and keep going. Keep telling yourself ‘Good things come to those who wait’ and ‘patience is a virtue’.
THE I DON’T KNOW TYPE
The ambivalent I don’t know dating types with ambivalent attachment style
When you meet the I don’t know type, try to run as fast as you can for you have just met the date with the ambivalent attachment style who will be forever ambivalent and will send you on a intermittent and a never-ending emotional roller coaster of constant high and lows that will leave you needing anger management sessions to explore your anger and frustrations. The ambivalent attachment style is a term coined by Bowlby, who studied the patterns of how babies attached to their mothers. He argued that how children attached to heir mothers will be the same pattern of relationship attachment in the adulthood. It is very helpful categorisation but I disagree that it is the absolute theory. I believe that a long-term positive or negative experiences can change peoples’ attachment styles. You can ask me what I mean by this later because it is out of scope of this article.
The I don’t know dates, want desperately love, they get excited about it, they promise you a marriage, babies and house, they will make you feel great and excited but just when you will start feeling happily settling down into your new relationship, they will start systematically retaliating against you for usually a trivial issue, that they will magnify, blow out of proportions, they will try to reject you and explain to you that this relationship is not working. You will feel speechless, destabilised, and later angry and exploring this during our anger management sessions. This type is moody, constantly moving from wanting love to rejecting it. They feel the most comfortable in the first superficial stages of the relationships which are non-threatening and when people don’t know each other in-depth. The moment the relationship will start looking as a relationship, they will want to pull out of it and they will retaliate against you when you least expect it for example just when you sign the papers for buying your first dream house, when you get pregnant, just before your wedding, when you officially announce that you two are an item and you will feel humiliated, angry and might start googling anger management sessions as some of my former client who came to see me did. If you want to know whether your date might be the ‘I don’t know’ type try to consider paying attention to whether your date is making any comments about: the divorce statistics are high, we don’t need to get married to be together, they might even have a full-blown outburst of anger and they will attack you if you dare to ask why they are separated for over ten years and not divorced yet. And remember just because someone is promising a marriage, relationship within two months of your relationship doesn’t mean that they mean it, there is a difference between words and a tangible evidence. Another method how you can assess if you might be dealing with the ambivalent types is getting insight into their dating history. If you find that your date has a long-term history of no relationship or a short-term relationships meaning a year and half longest, you might be dealing with the I don’t know type.
THE I WILL NOT TELL TYPE
The secretive ‘I will not tell type’ with anger management issues
The I will not tell type is the second category of the dates that you should categorically stay away from because they will leave you feeling infuriated, abused, used, angry, with grumpy mood and needing desperately your anger management sessions with a serious counselling support. The I will not tell types, as you might guess by the name of this category are people who are not open. In fact it is fair for me to go as far as to labelling them liars, players, people with narcissistic tendencies, (please see Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Diagnostic Statistical Manual IV-TR, APA, 2000) and sadists and some of them sexual sadists. The I won’t tell you type is a type of date that has a different agenda than the one they share with you but they will never reveal that to you, because they are angry, resentful and disillusioned opportunists, the object of desire haters, who fear that you might reject them and their hidden agendas. There is something sexually very aggressive and sadistic in them taking from their object of desire what is not theirs. They are self-centred, selfish, self-absorbed, inconsiderate, controlling and maybe having lost faith in relationships or angry, they assume you don’t have a right to your own autonomy or free will to decide what it is that you want and don’t want. In a dating world that comprises websites accommodating needs of people for instance with BDSM tendencies one has to wonder why those people clatter Tinder for instance assuming to sadistically dominate you and refuse to join websites for members who want to meet like-minded people with this specific sexual preference. The answer to this is that you might be dealing with a date with a highly abusive personality, who is aggressive and including sexually aggressive, out-there just for himself or herself. The I won’t tell you type, has no respect for other people and must be feeling grossly unhappy, bitter and angry because happy people don’t go on hurting other innocent people intentionally. The happy people go on enjoying their lives. The I will not tell types will tell you everything you want to hear and you will feel on the top of the world. They will get you, where they will want to get you, probably just into their bed and this is as far as you will get. The I will not tell you type is an aggressive sexual predator who grooms the object of their desire and is not different from paedophiles. A psychological studies on the antisocial personality disorder, in media termed as psychopaths or criminals, described them as people who cannot empathise with others or people who have a very good degree of how they make people feel and they enjoy seeing them to suffer (Sears, 2013). The psychological literature on people with antisocial personality disorders (please see for criteria Diagnostic Statistical Manual, IV-TR, APA, 2000), in media portrayed as psychopaths, states that they can seduce and manipulate forensic psychologists, or fake a lie detector test, presumably because of a lack of a remorse and zero physiological responses. So, don’t take it personally if you unwittingly become prey to a sexually aggressive predator and will end up feeling abused. Consider taking responsibility for your getting too early intimate with strangers choices or for accepting that sometimes we have to take risks and might unwittingly get involved with date that used us. Consider getting to know the date first and take your time before you get intimate with your date no matter how charmed you will feel. A decent person who has a respect for himself or herself and others will not want to charm you, lie to you and manipulate you. This person is cautious and will want to get to know you slowly before you will be invited into their lives. A decent persons were raised by decent women to wait and will respect you. Impatient, spoilt child, with outbursts of anger and anger management issues will want it now.
CONCLUSION
I am going to bring this article about anger management and starting dating again the I know, I don’t know and I won’t tell types to a close. I described in this article the three broad types as promised but please note, those three broad categories will obviously comprise of further specific personalities and people with good and bad coping strategies. The types described in this article were three broad categories and within those categories will be good and bad people. Try to consider taking your time to get to know your dates and remember words are for children and the right actions for grown people, so make sure that you have in your hands some kind of tangible evidence. I proposed methods how you could detect the three types described above but I emphasised that this is not a valid theory but my hypothesis that I use and that has been working for me. It helped me stay positive and not feeling angry or used. I hope that this categorisation, will help you to organise the overwhelming pool of London singles that can be for the newcomers confusing and that it will put a smile on your face as opposed to leaving you feeling abused and damaged with anger management issues. If you feel affected by any of the issues in this article, if you suspect that you have anger management issues, unprocessed negative feelings about your past failed relationship or if you would like to work through your chronic ambivalence or a hatred that cannot make you happy please do not hesitate to contact me and we will try to schedule a session for you.