When it comes to the anger management issues and the exhilarating feeling of decision to set oneself finally free from the tentacles of our chronically abusive family, some of us might raise an eyebrow and think that this might be a little bit extreme decision. I disagree and I will explain in this article why.
In a society in which we are born and thrown into the world and without our permission and into the arms of some good and some bad parents, we are being constantly reminded that family is the most important thing in the world. We are reminded of this everywhere we go: during Christmas, on our way to school when we compare ourselves to other children whose mummies and daddies are there and ours are not, at our friend’s family dinner table that make us wonder why our mummy and daddy never eat with us. We feel silenced by the societal pressure and expectations encapsulated in the slogans ‘Christmas is the family time’ but what the society does not tell us or our judgemental relatives or friends is what to do when our mummy and daddy or siblings are not behaving as the society assumes to them to behave and when they instead daily abuse us, sexually or physically, emotionally, psychologically, deprive us emotionally, reject us or neglect us and this goes on for years and well into our adulthood. When you are chronically abused by an abusive parents or siblings well into your adulthood and you have been overpowered and could not defend yourself and when you not have been shown how to defend yourself, it could take years to discover how to stop the ongoing abuse. It takes a lot of courage, a lot of trial and error and a lot of loneliness because your judgemental friends that were raised in fairly good families might not have an idea what it feels like to be you let alone how to resolve it.
Think when you raise an eyebrow the next time your friend will take a courage to confide in you about their abusive family for it took them years to set themselves free from the aggressive tentacles of their family members and find their inner voice that has been chronically dominated and silenced. It takes them years to stand up to an aggressor, the rest of the family members still feeling confused about and not knowing how to deal with. Try to consider thinking before judging so fast and labelling your friend as extreme because being silenced all their lives and trying to set themselves free and to discover what is normal and what is not, takes a hard work of mind re-programming and soul searching and a courage to stand from the crowd and realise that the bad the family imposed outweighs the good and that one has to set oneself free. Societal taboos about abuse in the family and your ignorance about what it is like to feel chronically abused well into the adulthood do not give you the right or prevent anyone from setting themselves free for everyone has their own autonomy and free will and a right to safety.
While some of my clients feel comfortable with a controlled contact with the abusive parents, some of my clients who come from families with anger management issues with ongoing abusive personalities and those clients who took a leap of faith and radically decided to quit their families, never looked back. I saw them successfully rebuilding their personal lives and excelling in their careers and when asked whether they would consider giving their parents another chance, providing they would positively change, their answer was a resolute ‘never’.
Maybe the moral of this article is, don’t underestimate your child’s autonomy, their right for free will and safety. If you suspect that you might have an anger management issue, if you are psychologically abusive, controlling and everyone around you is afraid to tell you this or challenge you, maybe you should consider the anger management to try to rebuild the trust, bond and safety within your family instead of playing with the fire and unwittingly driving your children to the end of the line and permanently out of your life.